Separation Anxiety and Drop-Offs: A Parent's Guide

Most children find separation hard at some point, and most settle. Research tracking toddlers’ stress hormones through their first month of childcare found a predictable shape: an easy start while a parent is present, a demanding few weeks once separation begins, and settling for most children by around four weeks.¹ What surprises parents is where the difficulty shows up — children in that demanding phase showed fatigue mainly at home, not at childcare.¹ A child who seems fine at pickup and falls apart in the car is following the pattern, not failing to cope. Separation distress at drop-off is also not a sign of insecure attachment: securely and insecurely attached children both show elevated stress when a parent leaves.³

Key takeaways

Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage, not a sign that something has gone wrong.
Research following toddlers into childcare found most settle by around four weeks.¹
Stress peaks during the separation phase and eases through the evening.²
Secure attachment lowers a child’s stress while the parent is present — it does not prevent distress once they leave.³
Children in the settling-in phase show fatigue mainly at home, which is why pickup often goes well and the car does not.¹
When distressed, toddlers go to the parent who does most of the caregiving — regardless of which parent they’re more securely attached to.⁴
Preferring one parent is a phase, not a verdict on the other parent.
Distress that is not easing after several weeks, or that appears suddenly in a child who was settled, is worth raising.

How long does settling in take?

About four weeks, for most toddlers.

A study that followed 113 toddlers through their first month of childcare measured stress hormone levels in saliva alongside notes from parents and staff. The pattern was consistent: an easy start while parents were still present, a demanding stretch once separation began, and settling for most children by around four weeks. By three months, cortisol had returned to a low level and staff rated the children’s wellbeing as high.¹

One detail from that study is worth holding onto: children in the demanding phase showed fatigue mainly at home, not at childcare.¹

Four weeks is an average across a group, not a deadline. Some children settle in days; some take longer, particularly the youngest.² What the research gives you is a shape to expect rather than a date to hold your child to — and a reasonable point at which to ask questions if nothing is shifting.

What’s normal at each age

Age	What separation looks like	What is clinically described	Worth asking about
6–12 months	Crying when you leave the room; reaching; calming when picked up	Separation distress commonly emerges in this window as a child develops a sense that you continue to exist when out of sight. Most children develop it around nine months, some as early as four to five.⁵	No response at all to your leaving or returning
12–18 months	Clinging, protest at handovers, following you between rooms	Often the most intense stretch; many toddlers begin showing difficulty at fifteen or eighteen months.⁵	Distress so constant the child can’t play or explore even with you present
18–36 months	Strong preference for one parent; protest at drop-off; better once engaged	Preference phases are common and switch direction	Drop-off distress that hasn’t eased at all after six to eight weeks
3–5 years	Reluctance at the door; bedtime resistance; questions about when you’ll return	Usually easing across this range	Refusal that spreads to other settings, or physical symptoms on school mornings
School age	Reluctance to sleep away; morning stomach aches; school reluctance	Occasional and situational	Persistent school refusal, or worry about harm coming to you

The American Academy of Pediatrics describes the onset and the toddler stretch above.⁵ The later ranges are widely used in clinical practice and appear in most parenting guidance. We have not been able to confirm a primary research source for them at this time, so treat them as the pattern clinicians describe rather than a measured finding.

What the research shows

Three findings do most of the work across this guide.

Settling takes weeks, and the shape is predictable. The curve is easy at first, hard in the middle, and settled for most children by around a month.¹ Knowing that the second and third weeks are typically the worst stops a lot of families concluding in week two that the placement is wrong.

Secure attachment doesn’t prevent drop-off distress. This one surprises people. When researchers measured cortisol across children starting childcare, securely attached children had lower levels than insecurely attached children only while a parent was present. Once separation began, both groups showed elevation.³ Crying at the door is not a report card on your relationship.

The parent who gets the meltdowns is the one doing the caregiving. When toddlers were observed at home with both parents, distressed children went to the primary caregiver — regardless of which parent they were more securely attached to. When content, they showed no preference at all. What attachment security predicted was how quickly they recovered once comforted, not who they approached.⁴

That last finding reframes a lot. The parent receiving the worst of it isn’t being singled out for being loved most, and the other parent isn’t being rejected. One is the address the child’s distress is routed to; the other is more often the play and exploration partner.⁴

When it’s more than a phase

Worth mentioning at the next check-up

Drop-off distress that hasn’t eased at all after six to eight weeks
Separation worry that has spread from one setting to several
A child who can’t settle to play or explore even when you’re present
Physical symptoms — stomach aches, headaches — clustering on school mornings

Worth a call sooner

A sudden, marked change in a previously settled child
Distress that includes fear of harm coming to you
Refusal that is keeping a child out of school
Loss of skills the child previously had

Frequently asked questions

Is separation anxiety normal?

Yes. It is a recognized developmental stage that commonly emerges in the second half of the first year and eases through the preschool years. It reflects a child's growing understanding that you exist when out of sight.

How long does it take a child to settle into daycare?

Research following 113 toddlers found most settled by around four weeks, with stress hormone levels back to baseline by three months. Individual children vary widely.

Does crying at drop-off mean my child isn't securely attached?

No. Securely and insecurely attached children both showed elevated stress once a parent left. Secure attachment reduced stress while the parent was present, not after they had gone.

Why is my child fine at pickup and terrible in the car?

It is the common pattern. In one study, children in the settling-in phase showed fatigue mainly at home rather than at childcare. Holding it together all day has a cost, and it gets paid somewhere safe.

Why does my child only want one of us?

Parent preference is a normal phase. Research found distressed toddlers went to the parent doing most of the caregiving, regardless of attachment security with either parent.

When should I worry?

When distress isn't easing after several weeks, has spread across settings, appears suddenly in a settled child, or is keeping your child out of school.

Does a phased start help?

The study's authors suggest that visiting beforehand is why cortisol was low on day two, since most families in their sample had visited several times. Many settings offer a phased start with a parent present initially, which mirrors the adaptation phase used in the research.

Does age affect how hard it is?

Children under 14 months showed higher afternoon and evening stress hormone levels, including after four to six weeks. That doesn't mean younger children shouldn't start childcare; it means their settling may look different.

My child settled and then un-settled. What happened?

Room changes, holidays, illness and schedule changes can all restart the process, and it usually takes less time the second time around.

Should I sneak out to avoid the tears?

The consistent advice is no, though it is worth knowing that this is clinical consensus rather than a tested finding — we have not found a study that compared sneaking out against saying goodbye.

Sources

Drugli MB, Nystad K, Lydersen S, Brenne AS. Do toddlers’ levels of cortisol and the perceptions of parents and professional caregivers tell the same story about transition from home to childcare? A mixed method study. Frontiers in Psychology. 2023;14:1165788. Saliva from 113 toddlers across the first month and at three months, with notes from 87 parents and 101 caregivers. An easy start with parents present, a demanding first weeks of separation, cortisol back to a low level by three months with wellbeing rated high, and tiredness reported mainly at home in the evenings. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1165788 (PMID 37333593)
Nystad K, Drugli MB, Lydersen S, Lekhal R, Buøen ES. Toddlers’ stress during transition to childcare. European Early Childhood Education Research Journal. 2021;29(2):157–182. Linear mixed models on 119 toddlers across time of day and transition phase. Cortisol was elevated in the afternoon throughout, peaking in the separation phase and declining toward evening; children younger than 14 months showed higher evening and afternoon levels even after four to six weeks. doi:10.1080/1350293X.2021.1895269
Ahnert L, Gunnar MR, Lamb ME, Barthel M. Transition to child care: associations with infant–mother attachment, infant negative emotion, and cortisol elevations. Child Development. 2004;75(3):639–650. Seventy 15-month-olds. Cortisol rose over the hour after mothers left to levels 75–100% above home; securely attached infants had markedly lower cortisol during the adaptation phase, while the parent was present. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2004.00698.x (PMID 15144478)
Umemura T, Jacobvitz D, Messina S, Hazen N. Do toddlers prefer the primary caregiver or the parent with whom they feel more secure? The role of toddler emotion. Infant Behavior and Development. 2013;36(1):102–114. Attachment security with each parent assessed at 12–15 months; mother–father–toddler interaction observed at home at 24 months. When distressed, regardless of the security of their attachment to each parent, toddlers more often interacted with the primary caregiver — the parent doing most of the caregiving. When content, they showed no such preference. Recovery from distress was predicted by security of attachment with the parent the child approached. doi:10.1016/j.infbeh.2012.10.003 (PMID 23268105)
American Academy of Pediatrics. How to Ease Your Child’s Separation Anxiety. HealthyChildren.org. Records that some babies show separation anxiety as early as four to five months and most develop it around nine months, that many toddlers begin showing difficulty at fifteen or eighteen months, and that by three most children understand the effect of their protest. Checked September 20, 2026. healthychildren.org

Medical disclaimer. This page is for general educational purposes and does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Separation Anxiety and Drop-Offs: A Parent’s Guide